A week later I was sliced open and my sweet little boy was torn from him cozy watery not-having-to-do-anything-but-grow home. He had to start doing things only big babies do like breathe, and eat, and keep himself warm or cool. He thought he was a big kid- and we weren't going to tell him otherwise.
After two months in the NICU growing and cooking and worrying his mom every single day, this sweet little boy came home. That was the best day of my life. I could hold by baby any time I wanted to- no driving, no scrubbing up, no cords- just sweet little baby.
He came home on Memorial day- making what used to be a really rough day for me, into a celebration. A celebration of a sweet new life having overcome his first big trial in life. My brave boy was home and I was not ever going to put him down.
He has been home a little over three months, is two months old from his due date, and five months old from when he was born. And I am in love with him.
The first night he was home I got ZERO sleep. It wasn't because he was crying or mad though, it was because I couldn't stop staring at him. He is so noisy and grunty that I didn't want him to keep Steven up, so I put him in his swing and stayed in the living room with him. I just watched him. I couldn't stop looking at him and holding his little hand and feeling his chest or under his nose to make sure he was breathing. I felt like a little kid at the zoo face pressed up against the glass mesmerized by seeing a crocodile for the first time up close and personal. This was my baby and he made it- he is real, and he is a miracle.
I have not stopped being amazed by him.
He is so freaking cute. He looks like Yoda with his giant ears and big bald head.
He grunts and sighs and is the noisiest human ever.
I just want to kiss him ALL the time! I love the baby smell of head and just HAAAAVE to kiss it over and over. He's going to have a dent on his forehead from where I just kiss and kiss and kiss him.
AHHHH!!!! I'm just going to EXPLODE! I can't handle it! I can't handle how cute he is! He is so pure and sweet and adorable. I LOVE THIS LITTLE SUGARBEE!
So, now that little sugarbee is home I get to start trying to be the mom I hope to be. The little monkey has been teaching me how to take care of him, as well as things about myself. I need to explain three of them so I can always remember this novice time when I don't know a darn thing, but am working like crazy to catch on!
First, My mind works like a game of Tetris.
I love turning and sliding and moving pieces around until they slide into place juuuuussst right. They fit right in place with the other pieces, and when enough of them are in the right place they make a wonderful little burst and leave you with some great progress and then disappear- letting me forget about them and move on.
I love having clear tasks that I can focus on, complete like a champ, and then fit in alongside other tasks so that it can be left alone to do it's thing, get's it's point, and then get outta here. I love having predictable expectations and knowing that practice will make me efficient and effective at getting those little pieces right where they go. I think like Tetris- everything fits, everything has a place to go, you put it there, then feel a sense of completeness and then move on.
You know what's NOT like Tetris?...
Being a mom.
Being a mom is NOT like Tetris.
Instead of little "L" pieces or "Z" pieces coming down from the sky, Motherhood drops like a flower, and then a shoe, and then a turtle. Shapes that DON'T EVEN GO! Oh look, here is a hippo falling from the sky- quick find a place for that to go. It's nuts. It's not how my mind works and I'm having to adjust my way of thinking.
There is no "done".
There is no predictable or little preview box of what's coming next.
There is no being able to make a sandwich and get to sit and eat it with both hands.
There really isn't even day and night- just one big circle.
I struggle not getting to feel the "check that off the to do list" feeling that I love so much. It's all just one big stew of everything instead of neat little lines and rows. It's like a box of nerds versus a pack of smarties. I want matching round smarties all neat in a row!
But that's not real life. Real life is misshapen, colorful, sweet little sugar balls that have the taste of deliciousness, but the texture of gravel. I'm learning to adjust and be flexible- and that is tough stuff!
However, the sweet little sugar ball I get to take care of makes it worth it to work on changing my way of thinking to be more flexible, and find happiness in new things.
Second, I am so tired.
I guess I don't have anything cool to say about that. I just needed to complain to someone. OH my gosh I'm so tired. Like ALWAYS tired. It's hilarious how tired I am.
Third, everyone has their own experience. Mine is different than yours. But different isn't "good or bad"- it's just different.
I find myself feeling defensive and competitive, when I could really benefit from being more humble.
There are a lot of mom's around me all the time. Some have one little baby, some have 3 kids plus a newborn. There is a whole variety. When I hear them talking about their kids, or their schedules, or their homes I have this default little voice in my head that asks, "is your house like that?"- "your schedule can be better than that!"- or "she must not care about that, but you will".
AHHHH!!! Who is that! I don't want that! I think in a need to feel validated about myself doing a "good job" as a mom I have to feel like I'm doing it better than someone else.
I think that comes from playing sports and running. To feel like a better runner you have to get a faster time than someone else. The spirit deep in me tells me that's not how it needs to work in motherhood.
I don't need to be better than anyone else to do a good job. I can learn from these women instead of using their conversations as a little self evaluation in my head. Their experience and their priorities are as different as their personalities and backgrounds. We are different and different is not bad.
I get bothered by some things that don't bother them, so naturally I'll work harder to keep those things in check in my home and family while it may seem to them as not worth their time.
Other moms, however, have talents that I don't yet have and that doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. It means they are farther along the journey and have put in the effort to gain those talents. It's a reachable goal for me too if I choose to put the effort into it.
I keep thinking that we are all in the same race and some people are "winning" while I'm lagging behind. It's not a race though- it's like a giant dance party and some people are shaking it hardcore and some people are doing the robot. Who cares- it's a party and we're all having fun with what moves we've got. I just need to be happy with my moves, and if I see someone else's I like I can ask them to teach me. I have to be willing to be taught and not expect to automatically inherit a lifetime of skills just because I had a baby. It still takes practice.
Eh- what do I know. I've been a mom now for five months and I love it to ten million pieces. I can't even TELL you how much I love it. It's chaos and I'm tired and I LOVE IT!!
