So I swear I have heard a prophet tell us to write in our journals. Today I have a itty bitty inkling of maybe a reason why.
You know how sometimes you are super pumped about something and you know it's right and you have that absolute BURNING that you MUST do something!? So you write it down cause you know that later on, a few days, maybe months, maybe years, you might not feel the same, and doubt that that is really the right thing-but during that moment you were excited about it you wanted yourself to never forget to stick with it cause you KNEW it was right?
And then time passes and you feel like you kind of hate and want to change that thing you thought was right and loved?
I think maybe those old journal entries, or perhaps blog posts, are to remind you about that "burning" you had to stick with it-so that when you do feel differently you remember that once upon a time you knew that thing was right. And that might be one of the only things to make you stick with it-your own words from months past trying to remind you of how you felt. I think this could happen with a testimony building experience, or a big decision, or.....other things.
And sometimes you wish that you could just punch your younger self that wrote those words cause now you think, "what was I thinking!? I had no idea!", and you want to change your mind.
But you just swallow that little defiant, frustrated voice in your head and say to yourself, "self. We knew this was right once. Suck it up and stick with it. Maybe it will be worth it.".
Don't you hate when that happens?
I do....
I wrote this post February of 2009. That was almost two years ago.
"I have spent a lot of time in classrooms around utah county, mostly upper grades, but some kindergarten, and I absolutely love it. I have wanted to be a teacher all of my life, but I never realized what teaching actually included. I have had so many fears about it-there are aspects of it that I don't know if I could do very well, and so I have been studying it out to make sure that is right for me. I have most definitley looked into other careers that I think I would enjoy-ya gotta keep an open mind ya know. I love culinary arts, and have dreamed of going to culinary school. I love physiology and biology and would love to be a nurse. I think nutrition is fascinating and dietetics would be a fun career. I have searched out these different careers and thought they seemed great, but when I step into an elementary classroom I am a fish who has found the ocean. It just fits perfectly and I get so stinking excited!! I got to go tutor at Canyon Crest Elementary yesterday, and though I was only there for a little bit, I got to tutor, talk to the teacher about her job, and watch the kids out at recess and I just flipped. I HAVE to be a teacher!! I MUST!! I CANNNOT WAIT!!! I had the giggly/screaming thing (many of you have heard it...) coming out of my mouth in my car the whole way home cause I was so excited that I was going to be a teacher. I love everything about it. The kids, spelling, reading, writing, science, the creativity of it, the organization, the learning, the classroom, the friendships, the humor, even the paper work/grading part of it. I have never been so excited about it. Ok, ok, my point. I have lots of hobbies that I will enjoy as just that-hobbies. Of course I will have doubts as well, as school gets hard, and unexpected bumps happen, but that is why I'm writing this. I don't want to forget moments like this where I know I want to teach. So, I hereby declare that for my life's work, I want to spend my time in a classroom teaching kids. I am willing and excited to take the good with the bad in that all around package we call elementary education. I can't wait. :)"
That whole feeling I just explained above?...ya I kind of feel that right now. I'll let you know if that little defiant, frustrated voice inside my head wins. He's kind of in the lead...
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11 hours ago
Kellie,
ReplyDeleteI can hardly begin to explain how fascinating I found this post. I hope this won't be intrusive. Forgive me if it is.
I didn't realize I'd been following your blog that long, but I think I read that post about Canyon Crest when you originally posted it. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with the decision to teach; this kind of uncertainty about what used to be certain can be very uncomfortable! It's kind of amazing to read your words "that's why I'm writing this. I don't want to forget. . ." and now two years later when you perhaps have forgotten (in some sense) you have those words to review and remember. Amazing!
Anyway, I'm not taking any position on what is right for you. I'm not in a position to know. I just find it super interesting, because I've been struggling with similar questions myself.
I hope you don't mind my going autobiographical: I remember the fall day, during my second year of college at BYU, when I went and announced to everyone that would listen that I would become a college professor. I had figured it out. I had so many reasons for thinking that that was what God wanted for me and that that was what my talents were for and that that would be my opportunity to serve. Well, fast forward 18 years (boy I'm old): I stuck to my plan for a long time. It was a lot of work. I earned a PhD because I knew I needed to be a college professor. I finished and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I knew that I was supposed to. My patriarchal blessing said so. But now I have three kids--who need lots and lots of time and attention--and I have the blessing of a financial situation where I don't need to work outside the home--and my credentials are very dusty after sitting on the shelf for seven years--and I suddenly have these huge doubts that being a college professor is something I could do or be good at. And I have doubts about whether I would actually want to do it even if I could! That's not all. I'm unsure now of whether being a college professor would be service or selfishness.
Meanwhile, I am just getting older, and my credentials are just getting dustier. Any chance I have for following that career is now slowly expiring upon the shelf. The clock is ticking loudly, and my time is about up, but I have no clarity, no understanding of what God wants/wanted me to do.
Though my doubts have grown huge, I know that that day, back in my second year of college? I had crystal clear clarity then. I knew. So how can I not know now? Could God have changed his plan for me? Could it have been the plan then and not now? How could I have been wrong then about impressions that had such clarity? But if I was not wrong then, does that mean that I am wrong now? What about my kids? How is everything I'm supposed to do and to be supposed to work together? I don't see how it can.
Are my current feelings based in a righteous decision to sacrifice for my children and also in good insights into the many wonderful opportunities available to me if my time isn't tied up? Or am I not seeking a teaching position out of laziness and fear and because it's hard and no one is pushing me to do it? I don't know! It's aggravating and I just wish I had some wise person to talk to who knew all the angles and permutations and who could help me figure this out.